


Before You Go

by Daryl_Alenko



Category: HIStory (All Media Types), HIStory3: 那一天 | HIStory3: Make Our Days Count
Genre: Fix-it First Ending, Loved This Series But Hated the Ending, M/M, Multiple Endings, Seriously The Sad Endings Are Worse Than the Series, Suicide, so many feels, vivid dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24227677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daryl_Alenko/pseuds/Daryl_Alenko
Summary: Partial fix-it fic. Seriously, that's all I can really say about it right now, because I'm too emotional. Two alternate endings.
Relationships: Xiang Hao Ting / Yu Xi Gu, Xiang Haoting/Yu Xigu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	1. The End of Our Days

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So, I -just- finished watching this. It took a day and a half, no sleep, and a lot of emotion to get through it. So, as one can imagine, and as I am sure -most- of you would agree, fix-it fic is in order. This first ending is going to be a fix-it fic and the next two, or maybe three, will probably be even worse than the original ending. Because I will need to purge some feels. -cracks knuckles, cues up music and begins to work-
> 
> Also, if anyone wants to translate this, comment and I'll get back to you with permission.

* * *

Screaming tires .... busted glass ... rent flesh ... a wet gasp.

The day that Xiang Hao Ting's world ended, is a day he could never forget. One moment, he was basking in the warm glow of a love hard won, and the next ... well, the next .. he was watching the life force slowly leave the love of his life. Because this world is nothing if not full of infinite injustice. 

Running from the flat he shared with his boyfriend, Yu Xi Gu, had not been a particularly momentous occasion. He had snagged his keys and his boyfriend's wallet and mad a call him. To explain that the much needed article had been left behind, and then proceeded to run down to the street in hopes of meeting him half way. Some part of him had laughed at that thought, at how true it was on so many levels. He had all but pestered Yu Xi Gu into loving him .. to giving into him, and it had been this weird but beautiful meeting in the middle for them. Having to then fight his parents' unhappiness .... the fact that they had -won- had been the most beautiful moment in his life.

Or no, wait. The most beautiful had been the first time he said it. The first time his boyfriend had smiled that sunshine smile at him and said that he loved him. His life could never be complete had that moment never transpired. Even after everything that happened, he could not bring himself to think differently, to -regret- having loved that beautiful, smart, precious person. 

He had looked around eagerly, desperate for a glimpse of Yu Xi Gu, even though they had only been apart for a few moments. He had just been about to turn back toward the apartment, when he heard something. The squeal of tires desperately breaking, something metallic twisting and fraying ... glass shattering. He thanks everything he no longer believes in, that he did not -see- the impact. That would have fully destroyed him. (Not that he actually believes he -survived- this. Not in any way. Every thing that he was, every thing that Yu Xi Gu fell in love with, died the day he did. He became a cold, practical shell of what he once was.)

Though he didn't see the impact, something .... something dark, sinister and horrid hooked itself deep into his guts and refused to let go. It felt ... it felt as if a fillet knife had been slid between his ribs and drug down with such force that he really should've cracked in half instantly. His feet were moving before he could even think to take the action. Pounding against the sidewalk in the direction of the intersection not too far away. Each step pinched, pulled his heart a little tighter, made it a little more impossible to breathe. By the time he reached the small gathering of bystanders, a colorful bunch of hysterical strangers, he could feel his vision beginning to whiteout at the edges. (It didn't occur to him that he's just as hysterical as everyone else, that his breathing had become so shallow and struggled that he was on the verge of a panic attack.)

"Get back! Please." Some trembling, well meaning Auntie tried to snatch the sleeve of his shirt and hold him at bay. No doubt to try and minimize interference with the ... victim. That word had lodged in his mind, cluttered up his thought process and left him reeling. He had been shaking so bad that he nearly toppled when she tugged at his sleeve to halt his progress. But it didn't matter. Didn't actually -accomplish- anything beyond nearly felling him, because he could still see over her. Past her. Maybe even -through- her. 

Blood ... glass .... body. Oh god, there was a body. His first instinct had been to refer to it as a -body- rather than a person, because there had been so much blood the asphalt was stained with it. A macabre mix of black and red that nearly choked the life right out of him. To see vitae coloring jet black hair ... the understanding had been near instantaneous. And almost fatal. (This is not an over exaggeration as far as Xiang Hao Ting is concerned. He truly believed that he was about to die instantly of a broken heart.) He would've known that hair anywhere .. had spent so much time running fingers through it, staring at it while waiting for him to -notice- him ... it was Yu Xi Gu lying on the road, broken and twisted.

"Move. Please. Move, Auntie, move. I have to get to him." He had babbled, words spilled out in a rush he couldn't control, with meaning he didn't actually fathom. He could've been cursing the heavens for all he knew. It wouldn't have mattered. "Please." He pleaded, begged, even as the kind Auntie tried to hold him at bay. She simply hadn't understood what was happening, hadn't realized that his entire world was bleeding out in front of them. Ending. So he had fought against her. Pushed, shoved, finally just burst past her so that he could throw himself onto the road next to Yu Xi Gu's unmoving body. 

Later ... much later ... he would remember everything in that moment that had only been a blur while it was happening. The texture of a shirt reduced to a sticky mess with blood. The brittle, course hair at Yu Xi Gu's temple. The almost oily feel of skin on an arm twisted at an unnatural angle. At the time, his every instinct told him that it was too late. That Yu Xi Gu was dead. That he was staring at his boyfriend's corpse.

"Yu Xi Gu .. p-please. Wake up. It's going to be okay. P-please, love ... please .... Yu Xi Gu ...... Yu Xi Gu .... please!" With each pleading word, he had grown dizzy. Lost. Overworked. He had knelt there, hands hovering over the mangled body, unable to bring himself to actually -touch- for fear of making it all so very real. Each breath had become labored, his vision whiting out at the edges as he begged. "Yu Xi Gu!!" Those were the last words to leave his mouth before he felt hands pulling at him. Until ultimately, he had passed out.

* * *

The tickling scent of antiseptic and coldness were the first things to register on his senses. The pressure of something wrapped around one of his hands. Beneath the other, he had felt the course fabric of a blanket. All of that had boiled down to one truth ... hospital. He had never really liked hospitals, though he had some weirdly fond thoughts about their little clinic room back at school, because he and Yu Xi Gu had 'met' in one of them. But no, this wasn't some little clinic to catch a nap or get some pain-relievers ... this was a full blown hospital. He had felt an all consuming panic rush through him. Fill him up.

"Yu Xi Gu!" He had gasped the name for all that he was worth, but had not been surprised when a strong hand pressed against his chest to flatten him back to the bed. 

"Hao Ting." The voice had been riddled with tears and emotion. He couldn't remember a time when he had ever heard his Mon sound so .. small. Reduced. It had further shook his already unsteady world. 

"Where is he?!" His voice had been climbing toward hysteria. So much so that a nurse had appeared to observe from the doorway. 

"I'm sorry, Hao Ting." His Dad's voice had been steady. Eerily steady. He had found himself feeling so .. cruel and uncharitable to him. Had found himself wondering if he were somehow .. relieved ... with the news he gave him next. "Yu Xi Gu is gone. He ... died .. at the scene. There was nothing to be done for him. I'm sorry."

And just like that .. his world had ended. Five sentences. That's all it took.

* * *

Seven years passed in a weird .. haze. Some times, he couldn't even remember some of the things that happened in that time. Well, more than anything, he studied. He went to college like he said he would .. studied Physics, like he told his beautiful Yu Xi Gu he would. He had even applied to one of the top physics schools in the country and gotten in. All to try and hold the memory of his love close.

And yes, he had moved on. 

Sort of. 

He got a girlfriend he could barely remember on a day-to-day basis, a friend that looked too much like Yu Xi Gu to be healthy, and even got into Stanford. All this he had done in a bid to try and find some -balance- in his life. But on the reverse .. he had cut everyone out of his life. Had lost touch with his friends from school, only communicated with his family when he could force himself to send a text message or leave a voicemail. Refused to visit anyone that he had known -before- the death of his boyfriend. He had hoped that doing that would somehow .. lessen the pain. But nothing could ever do that ... it took him seven years to figure it out, but he finally did.

Unless he could truly move on from Yu Xi Gu, he would never be able to -live- in any way. 

That's why he finds himself here. He has climbed many mountains, all for the same reason. A singular goal. To speak to Yu Xi Gu. When his love had first told him his belief, that we become stars .. he had smiled fondly, found it adorable that his boyfriend had such a cute belief, but had given it little thought beyond indulging his love. But now that Yu Xi Gu had been taken from him .. he prays that it's true. That the love of his life still hears him. Looks down on him. Supports him.

So, he has finally done what he had said he would do for Yu Xi Gu. He had promised to take his love to the Himalayas to speak to his parents. To introduce himself as Yu Xi Gu boyfriend. And when he died, he had promised himself that he would make it there one day to say goodbye. After seeing his family, speaking to his friends again, he finally decided it was time. He's ready. 

No. That's not right. He's not -ready- but as ready as he'll ever be. In truth, each step had torn him apart. Ripped him to pieces until he had finally reached a spot with clear skies. Each star had been a shard of is heart winking back at him. Is he truly up there? Does Yu Xi Gu shine down on him?? Had he managed to find some piece of happiness shining in the night sky beside his Mom and Dad?? 

He's sitting on the ground, a thin blanket beneath him. His hands are twisted in his lap, fingers interlocked and curved in a painful way as he struggles to breathe. Struggles not to pass out. He didn't come all this way to lay down and give up. 

"Yu Xi Gu..." His voice breaks in the middle of the name, nearly swallows the back half of it, choking on the emotion that name still invokes. He huffs, chuffs several breaths to clear airways that don't want to cooperate. Once he can breath without feeling like he's going to pass out, he cants his head to the heavens once more. "I miss you, my Yu Xi Gu. So .. so much." Is it okay to start this off with such an obvious truth? After all, even if he -isn't- looking down on him, it shouldn't be a surprise that he misses him. How could he -not-? Yu Xi Gu had been his very heart .. and now he's gone. 

"I .. I got into Stanford. Physics. It .. it had to be physics. Everyone misses you. Though they don't .. they don't talk about you. Probably because they know I can't stand it. I never really .. dealt with it. I tried to. I think? I studied as hard as I could .. I even have a girlfriend ... Phoebe." He chokes on the girl's name, feels as if he's betraying the memory of his love and he hates it. So much. "I think .. she's more to keep my parents from worrying about me. I don't ... I -can't- love her the same way I loved you. I think she knows that. Understands it." Does she, really? He honestly has no clue. He hasn't done right by Phoebe, isn't sure he ever can. He knows that he won't do as his parents suggest. He will never marry her. That's what -they- want .. not -him. 

Thinking about her .. thinking about his parents ... thinking about his -future- ... it's all too much. Something in him snaps. His hands slam down on the blanket beside him, his lips peel back in a half snarl of PAIN.

"Damn you, Yu Xi Gu! Just .. just DAMN YOU! You weren't supposed to leave me! We were supposed to -be together- no matter -what-. Even my parents couldn't tear us apart, and then you -left- me!" Deep down, he knows that this is ridiculous. He is blaming his love for dying, as if he had committed suicide rather than been involved in some freak accident. He -knows- that Yu Xi Gu didn't -choose- to leave him, but pain knows no rationality, knows no -logic-. He has bottled up his emotions for seven years ... he has to let it out or there's no telling what will happen.

"Seven years ... for seven years I've run from what we were, what we'll never be again. I buried every thing in me that you loved. I changed .. so much. I ... I do not recognize myself anymore. Because it was too painful to be -me- without -you-." He smashes his hands against the blanket again, swallowing a dry sob. "I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. How I'm supposed to live without you." He takes a deep breath, presses his hands against his tear stained cheeks and looks up at the heavens once more.

"I love you, Yu Xi Gu." He lets his eyes flutter closed and falls back on the blanket, sobbing deeply as he tries to let all of the pain out.


	2. Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending.

The tickling scent of antiseptic and coldness are the first things to register on his senses. The pressure of something wrapped around one of his hands. Beneath the other, he feels the course fabric of a blanket. All of that boils down to one truth ... hospital. He has never really liked hospitals, though he has some weirdly fond thoughts about their little clinic room back at school, because he and Yu Xi Gu had 'met' in one of them. But no, this isn't some little clinic to catch a nap or get some pain-relievers ... this is a full blown hospital. He feels an all consuming panic rush through him. Fill him up.

"What is going on? Where am I?" He spits the words out even as he pries his eyes open and nearly flails out of the hospital bed when he sees his Mom and Dad perched on chairs at his bedside. Just as they had been that terrible day. His Mom squeezes his hand gently, worry etched into her features as she looks him over. How had he gone from crying on a mountain top .. to this? 

"Hao Ting .." His Mom's voice is soft, lilting in confusion. "You are in the hospital, son. There has been an accident with Yu Xi Gu." His hand snaps out of hers so fast that she gasps at the action. He presses both palms to his eyes, desperately trying to block this all out. Why is this happening? Why is he hearing this again!? It's been -seven years-, hasn't he suffered enough?

"What are you doing? I already know there has been an accident. Yu ... Yu Xi Gu is d-dead ... for seven years, now." He chokes on the words as they try to lodge in the back of his throat. As he tries to make it all .. just go away. Maybe if he didn't speak them, they would no longer be true. But .. well, he's had seven years to grow up and get such silly notions out of his head. Yu Xi Gu is gone .. forever.

His shoulders hitch with the beginnings of a sob that he's trying to swallow down, hold back. He cannot afford to go into hysterics. He has spent seven years cultivating a cool persona, locking away his emotions for this very reason. So he would never actually have to feel all of this. 

"Hao Ting!" His Dad's voice is full of concern, but it does nothing to lessen the sharp edge he usually has when dealing with his wayward son. In fact, he's pretty sure that the day his Dad speaks to him calmly is the day that the world ends. Though, upon reflection, that's not entirely true. His Dad had been soft spoken when telling him that he should settle down with Phoebe ... but, his world had already ended by then, so whatever. "Calm down, son. What .. what is the last thing you remember?"

That question knifes through his guts. Tears into him as he remembers screaming at the stars before breaking down into wet, heaving sobs. Remembers bearing his broken heart and praying that it wold just end already. That he could some how move on from the unforgettable. 

"The Himalayas. I went climbing there before leaving for Stanford." He struggles with the words, his memory far too foggy for some reason. In fact, he tries to reach back through them and recall as much as he can. But only vaguities come to him. Crying for an Auntie to let him through ... attending the odd class though he cannot remember what he learned in them ... meeting Phoebe .. finally visiting friends and family ... hiking ... screaming at the stars .... each memory is as if viewed through a Vaseline covered lens. There, but not quite visible. Like some remnants ... of a dream ...

"Hao Ting, you have never been to the Himalayas, son. And .. Stanford? I thought you were attending the university close to Yu Xi Gu?" The words pierce his heart, bring a harsh sob from his lips. What is going on here? Has -everyone- lost their minds!?

"I graduated already. Was heading to further my education at Stanford, but first I climbed the Himalayas. So .. so that I could be .. closer to -him-. So that I could finally let it all go." He curls into himself, drawing his legs close as he begins to cry softly. The memory of screaming, of breaking down ... it drives him right back into the overwhelming pain he had been feeling. 

"Hao Ting." This time, Mom speaks. Voice soft and gentle as Mothers are to their children. "Son, you have never been to the Himalayas. You have not started classes yet, either. You still have time. And Yu Xi Gu, he is alive." No no no! Why are they doing this to him? How -cruel- are they, that they would dangle this blatant lie right in front of him!? Had they truly hated his Yu Xi Gu so much, as to visit this horrendous lie upon him in some ... some twisted -revenge-?? A sob breaks in half as he pushes harder against the bed, wishing to melt through it. 

"Why are you doing this? Why!? Did you hate him so much, that you are using him against me now? I am trying to leave his memory behind, but now you use it?? Please, do not make me live through this .. not again. I ... I .. please. It hurts. It hurts so much. I lost him ... I lost him .. he is gone ... forever ... please .." His ability to communicate has broken down to half sentences of desperate pleading, and he knows that he is two seconds from outright losing it.

Which is probably why he's not that surprised when a nurse appears with a needle in hand. When she berates his parents for overexciting him even as she feeds the sedative through his IV. The last thing he remembers as his world swirls into darkness is the bare brush of hope that this is somehow .. true.

* * *

For several days they kept him sedated, feeding him through an IV and keeping his parents from his room. Apparently, he had been unruly when first arriving at the hospital, falling into hysterics as he tried to cope with what he thought to be his boyfriend's death. He felt a little sheepish when the nurse explained that he had punched the paramedics and a doctor before he was sedated the first time. 

She had also, oh so kindly, explained to him why he thought seven years had passed. Why he had 'memories' that didn't match up with the truth. She told him it was perfectly normal to have vivid dreams when sedated. His mind had latched on to the survivor's guilt of losing his boyfriend and had played out a scenario based on it. 

This all boiled down to one thing, of course .... Yu Xi Gu is alive. When he had finally allowed himself to believe that truth, he had collapsed into the Nurse's arms, sobbing. Not as hysterical as he had been before, but pretty close. Yu Xi Gu is alive ... he had been through surgery and was in recovery. There had been no complications. 

It was still two days after that revelation before he was allowed to leave his room and seek out the room of his boyfriend. Now free of the IV and able to dress in a pair of pants and shirt his parents brought him, he has rushed to the room. Though he knows that his memories are just a dream, it still -feels- as if it's been seven years since he's seen Yu Xi Gu, because he died. Basically, he needs to see the truth with his own two eyes before he can fully believe it.

So, he's standing outside of a closed door, hands wringing in front of him as he paces. For the past five minutes he's been doing this, stopping to prod his chest and make sure his heart is still beating steadily, rather than chasing all around his body like it feels. There is a moment of truth awaiting him behind this door and he is terrified to see it. Because either way, his world changes. What he thought to be true either is .. or isn't. (This is worse than Schrodinger's cat!)

Taking a deep breath, he braces himself as well as he can and carefully opens the door. 

The first thing to register on his senses, is the gentle hum of different machines through out the room. Air conditioning, heart monitor, television ... all these sounds create a blanket soundtrack that causes his heart to beat a little faster. Visually following the stream of light that flows from the cracked door, he forces himself to look into the bed. To see the occupant of the room. Some part of him is convinced that the bed will be empty. That this is some ... some cruel, nasty joke orchestrated by his parents. A not so subtle revenge for seven years of absence after daring to love another man. 

But no. His parents were not playing a cruel prank, because there, framed against the stark white sheets is his precious Yu Xi Gu. Pale white, covered in bandages with a cast on his arm and leg, but ALIVE. He falls against the door, barely managing to keep it from swinging free of his hands as he tries to regain some semblance of balance. Because Yu Xi Gu is ALIVE!! He stumbles several feet into the room, tripping over himself in his sudden haste to be there. Near him. WITH him. 

He makes it to the bed and nearly collapses, grabbing the back of a chair that has been set out for visitors. He vaguely wonders if Auntie had been by to see him yet, but he cannot hold such a thought in his mind. He's far too busy forcing his breath to remain light and careful, rather than harried and heavy. Struggling to carefully lower himself into the waiting chair rather than fling himself across Yu Xi Gu's bed. He would not risk hurting his love any further. Carefully, he settles, wincing a little as muscles protest from disuse. Laying in a hospital bed for so long had done him no favors.

This thought immediately puts him in mind of his poor Yu Xi Gu. He will be stuck in this bed for a while, and then their bed at home for longer. With trembling hands, he reaches out. Wants to touch, but instead, pulls up short. Carefully digs his finger tips into the white blanket that is drowning out his boyfriend. He twists the material between his fingers even as he carefully lays his forehead on the bed. He can feel the heat of Yu Xi Gu's body he has never believed in miracles until now.

"Nver leave me, Yu Xi Gu. I love you .. love you so much ... my Yu Xi Gu." He is in the process of blinking back tears when he feels fingers card weakly through his hair.

"Not .. leaving ... Xiang Hao Ting ... love you .... Xiang Hao Ting ... Xiang Hao Ting ..."


	3. NOT A HAPPY ENDING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This is NOT a happy ending. So please don't leave an angry comment if you don't like how it ends. You've been warned.

"Seven years ... for seven years I've run from what we were, what we'll never be again. I buried every thing in me that you loved. I changed .. so much. I ... I do not recognize myself anymore. Because it was too painful to be -me- without -you-." He smashes his hands against the blanket again, swallowing a dry sob. "I do not know how I am supposed to do this. How I am supposed to live without you." He takes a deep breath, presses his hands against his tear stained cheeks and looks up at the heavens once more. 

"I love you, Yu Xi Gu." He lets his eyes flutter closed and falls back on the blanket, sobbing deeply as he tries to let all of the pain out. 

Slowly, it all bubbles up. Each burning tear down his cheek is another mote of pain .. longing ... resentment ... each emotion cutting deeper and deeper into his traumatized psyche. He had told his once best friend that he was finally ready to come here, had insinuated that he was finally ready to let Yu Xi Gu go. At the time, he knows that he was telling the truth. He had every intention of coming here and finally moving on. Letting go.

But it seems that some things are far easier said than done.

Or maybe ... maybe he's just a damn liar. Maybe, deep down, he knew exactly what path he would actually take. Maybe .. maybe .... speculation does him no good. In the end, no matter what his intentions had been .. his actions are the only truth.

"I want ..." He hiccups the word want, slurring it unforgivably as he tries to gather his thoughts. "I want .. to be a star with you." Speaking the words out loud change him, profoundly. Originally, the belief had been something beautiful and a bit naive that the love of his life believed in. It had been something he had secretly found a little too far fetched, but now, he is clinging to the remnants of hope that maybe, he will be with his Yu Xi Gu again. If there is anything truly divine in this universe, they will be reunited. They have to be.

He closes his eyes so tight behind his glasses that he sees small starfire bursts of color there. A part of him wants to simply dissolve into the blanket beneath the heavens, but he knows that he needs to get this over with. So, he forces his eyes open, forces himself to sit up and lift his gaze to the heavens again. 

"That Nebula .. the one you told me about? The one you hope Mom and Dad live on in?" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some folded papers. His hands are shaking so badly, his fingers so weak, that it takes almost two full minutes for him to unfold the paper. He pulls the two sheets apart and holds them toward the sky. "I named two stars in that Nebula ... one for each of them. So now, their names live on there as well." He feels shy as he admits this. It's corny, something that Yu Xi Gu would have either glared at him and called him corny for, or something he would've broken down into tears about. Either way, he knows that his love will appreciate it. This is something he can do for his beloved that has -meaning-. 

Another couple of minutes and the paper is refolded and placed back in his pockets. Now, what is he supposed to do? He should say something .. do something ... prepare to leave all of this behind once and for all.

He was -never- gonna be able to do that. There is no getting over this. There is no repairing a heart that has a hole ripped right through it. To think otherwise was silly and niave. Maybe ... maybe he had told Sun Bo what he needed to hear so that he would not worry anymore.

Does that make him a liar? A bad person? Or simply someone who is ... lost?

"Dad wants me to marry." He spits the words out on a bitter, tired breath. He doesn't -hate- his Dad for wanting him to get married and move on, because he knows that his parents never believed in his love for Yu Xi Gu. He's not even mad at them for not accepting their love. It takes too much energy to be mad, and he doesn't have any of that left to spend at this point. "They both do. They want me to marry and be -happy- about it. They do not understand why I act as if my world has ended." He can feel the familiar tremor of pain through him. Once, it had been a burning ember of hatred at their inability to understand. Their willful ignorance to what he is going through. "If it happened to them .. if either of them were lost to the other ..... they would grieve. But I am supposed to move on." 

He hiccups again, emotion rolling out of him as he struggles to speak his mind. Trembling hands once more dig through his pockets, pulling out a small object. He manages to pry his gaze from the heavens and instead, focus on opening the object.

"This is something that I will never be able to do, Yu Xi Gu. I will never get over you. You .. you were my every thing. I restructured my entire world when I realized that I was in love with you." Bittersweet laughter bubbles up and out of him. Stains the air with his hysteria as he continues to stare. His eyes flutter closed, the object finding it's way pressed firmly against his skin as he inhales sharply. "I managed to get into one of the top five national universities because I loved you so much. How does one move on from that?!" Another sharp inhale and the object tumbles from his hand, skittering across the blanket.

It leaves a macabre trail of bright crimson behind. 

"I miss ... I miss so much about you. I miss ... checking my phone twenty times in three minutes to see if you've texted when you're at work." A dozen memories of him laid across his bed, mobile clutched to his chest as he tries not to squeal or making dreamy little kissy faces at the newest set of 100 candids he managed to snap of his beautiful boyfriend runs through his head. "And .. I miss ... taking care of you. Making sure you eat .. sleep ... relax. You worked yourself too hard. For a good cause, but still ..." He carefully raises one weak arm to wipe a stray line of tears off his cheeks, smearing crimson there in the process. "I had so many plans .. all of these ideas for what our life could be." 

He had planned for so many things. That they would study Physics together. He would commute back and forth to school, and when he got home, he would prepare dinner for them and they could eat while they studied together. Eventually, they would graduate and he had no doubt that his brilliant love would get a grand job that he would -love- with all that he was. And while Yu Xi Gu got his big, grand job, he himself would settle for something in his field that was close but paid well. That way, they would be able to save for a home. Not a condo or apartment, but an actual home. Because once they were established .. then they could adopt. Because he knew deep in his heart that Yu Xi Gu would make a good Father. He would do anything to have a family with his love.

Or, he -would- have done anything. Now, it is all beyond him, isn't it?

"You would have made an amazing Dad, Yu Xi Gu. We would not have made the mistakes of our parents." They would have loved and understood their children no matter what, and they wouldn't have left them. 

But now, they cannot have that.

He gasps suddenly, vaporous breath exhaled tightly as a sudden edge of pain begins to melt away into nothingness. That is both good ... and bad. Good, because it means this is coming to an end ... bad for the exact same reason. He is overwhelmingly afraid. 

"I .. I am sorry, love." He can feel the words stutter through his chest and out of his mouth. Can feel the almost overwhelming effort it takes to make himself be heard. Though he's technically speaking to himself ... some part of him feels as if he -needs- to be heard so that Yu Xi Gu will understand. He -needs- him to understand ... he needs ... absolution. He knows that his parents will never forgive him, but he believes that his love -has- to.

He has begun to tremble. Not just his ever weakening hands, now, but his entire body. The heat of his core has begun to wane. Cold numbness radiating up his limbs. He swallows a whimper when he realizes that he cannot feel any pain. That all he can feel is the cold. He blinks back tears, his eyes falling slowly to half mast.

"Please .. forgive me, Yu Xi Gu. I just .. I need to see you again. I can not do this alone. Not anymore." The words slur together, barely audible. A mush-mouth mumble that further displays how far gone he is. The truth is, he's not sure he deserves forgiveness, not sure he deserves to see his love again. But, the hope of such is all that he has left. 

As the last moments approach, as his eyes begin to fall all the way closed, he thinks he sees something. 

Something magical.

Through the spider web of his lashes, it looks almost as if a hand crafted of stardust is reaching out for him. 

"Yu Xi Gu ..." With the last of his breath, he can do little more than whisper the name of his one true love.

**Fin**


End file.
